Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?