where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
