Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
