the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
