Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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