my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Well I just put wine in my tea
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
