his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm bleeding and have questions
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
