Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
