i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
