Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I am midnight drunk by noon
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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