he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize