God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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