yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
