Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
