Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
