textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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