No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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