oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
