Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
