I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
