fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
you never un-have a 4some
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
