How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
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so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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