woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
