Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Randomize
