Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
