She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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