fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
