it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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