took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
