So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
