There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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