if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
