Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
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