Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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