someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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