the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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