It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
