I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
