shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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