Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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