I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i dont even know how to be here
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
