remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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