The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
