I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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