I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
