In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
