Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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