Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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