my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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