U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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