I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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