I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
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Hippo gnu deer
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
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I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
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