i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
