she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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