whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
