This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
zippers are such a cool invention
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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