grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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