I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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