dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
